


Invented Prospects

by HoshisamaValmor (HannibalCatharsis)



Category: Castlevania (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Depression, Hurt No Comfort, Memories, Mental Instability, Mother-Son Relationship, Victim Blaming, because Alucard is alone and that's the point of this, everyone but Alucard is solely mentioned, ish ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:55:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24431701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HannibalCatharsis/pseuds/HoshisamaValmor
Summary: Alucard can't sleep when his guilt starts to poison his thoughts.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 14





	Invented Prospects

One of the most embarrassing experiences of his life had been to talk about sexual relationships with his mother.

Alucard was 13, 14 at most. Of course, intimacy was a subject of increasing interest and piqued curiosity. He never knew if he had been clumsy and made some blunder by misplacing a compromising book in his father's library, or if Mother had simply felt it with her 'mother's sense' (a valid option, and one that did ease his conscious on his responsibility, but that was also quite scary in and on itself), but the point was, she called him one day and brought up the subject.

As interesting as the conversation did turn out to be, it had still been honestly nerve wrecking at first, and Alucard quite vividly remembered how warm his cheeks had felt and how his face had been positively pink. Mother refrained from saying anything on his blushing to not stress him further, but he knew how her endearing smile had been caused by how silly he must have looked. But he wasn't silly, she had said, it was not only natural, it was important, and there was nothing wrong in wanting to learn more about the subject. He shouldn't feel there were themes he shouldn't discuss with his parents, no matter what they were.

She explained quite a bit on how sex and intimacy were connected, and how it was normal to start to feel certain feelings around certain people. How pleasant it could be to have someone who wanted to share that intimacy with you. She also explained how the subject of sex was, indeed, highly taboo within so many places and cultures, not least of all within Christianity and in Wallachia, but she personally felt like people should be more informed on it. It would make a lot of things easier, in her opinion, not to mention there were several health concerns that might otherwise benefit from wider knowledge on the subject. He asked why it was related to health, and Mother had explained. When he asked why it was taboo in the first place, she gave her opinion and mentioned several books - some of which Alucard had already peeked in hiding - that either elevated, or demonized, sexual relationships, making the whole matter particularly confusing for him. And for most people, Mother reassured him.

_"All in all, I think sex is just a natural thing, but it's not the most important thing. When it does happen, it can be wonderful, or it can be just a simple thing. It's not nearly the big issue most people make of it, and honestly, it's only that big of an issue because people are meddling. It shouldn't be anyone else's business but the ones' involved."_

Despite his unease not having fully dispelled, Mother replied all questions to the best of her knowledge, making him feel more comfortable to ask some that made his ears burn a bit, such as, was that sort of intimacy solely to have babies?, then, it could happen just because people wanted it?, then, could two men or two women have sex too?, and then, how exactly _was_ it suppose to happen? He had read (and seen) some things on a certain book, but overall it was... well, weird.

Mother was effectively fully smiling by then, but she did answer all of them, and the last one in particular was answered with general outlines, much to Alucard's increasing dismay.

_"And **that** is supposed to feel good?" he asked, fully pink again at the thought. "That's just so strange."_

_Mother let out a quiet laugh. "Well, maybe in time, you may discover it feels good. Or discover how it feels good for you. You do not need to rush it or force it. Actually, you should **not** ever rush or force it. Besides, there is a lot more to intimacy than sex, trust me. Trust, for example, is a big part of it. That's a really important thing about being intimate with someone."_

_"Hm," he said with a nod. He wasn't too sure what exactly to take out of that, but he did commit it to memory._

_"Why did you think you shouldn't bring up these questions to me or your father?" Mother asked._

_"I don't know," he admitted, shrugging. "It just felt like something you should keep a secret, not talk about it. I didn't want to look silly or bad."_

_"Hm," now it was Mother's turn to nod. "Well, as I have said, there is a lot of secrecy around the subject indeed. But you are never silly for asking, and certainly not bad. Like I said, it's normal to be curious, and to have doubts. So, whenever you have any_ _, or if one day you start feeling differently about someone, remember you can always come talk to me, all right, Adrian? And I will do my best to help you. And your father too, for that matter. If you feel there are things you'd rather ask him, you know he'll answer them just as well as me."_

_"All right," he replied, not really imagining himself having the courage to do anything intimate that would result in him having more doubts, but who knows, maybe like Mother said, in time, he would. He doubted it, though. "Thanks, Mother."_

_Mother probably activated her 'mother's sense' again, because she added with a kind smile:_ _"Most of all, Adrian, I think it's important to understand this. You shouldn't blame yourself for wanting to know or try something, or for it happening. It takes a lot of trust to be intimate with someone else, and then even more so to want to have sex with them. And it can be scary. That's why I said you can always talk to us if you want to, or need to."_

In retrospect, the memory of that conversation wasn't as embarrassing as it had felt then. Like almost everything he would remember these days, the main imprint they left lingering was painful nostalgy. Like lost carefree days, times he didn't even know were true happiness. If only he had known. Now they felt like lost opportunities, times he would give anything to have back and he was painfully aware they would never return.

He would give anything to talk to his mother now. To ask for her guidance, to ask her about what he had felt, to ask her what he had done wrong and why everything happened the way it did. But he couldn't, because the Church had murdered her.

He would give anything to talk to his father, but _he_ had killed Dracula.

So instead, he had no one. Instead, he was alone, and he had to face all the mistakes he had done alone. There was no one to help him or guide him, to give him a different perspective, a different opinion, and without that, he couldn't break free of his thoughts, of the chaotic spiral of events that could have no other reasonable explanation, except one. All that he had were his own thoughts, always bottled down to one simple truth: it was his fault.

Alucard was to blame for not being honest enough with Sumi and Taka. How more honest could he have been?, maybe he should have told them he wanted their company, that he wanted them to stay in the castle and learn, but also to help him not feel so alone. Clearly he hadn't done it right. Alucard was to blame for not having acknowledged Sumi and Taka's pain and anger. Maybe if he had done it, he would have not only proved, but actually make them understand he was a friend. Maybe if he had done it, he might have seen they mistrusted him completely and played on his weaknesses. Alucard was to blame for not having made sure they knew he hadn't lied to them.

Alucard was to blame for having been so lonely that the prospect of intimacy got so much stronger than his fear of it.

Mother had been right, of course. He shouldn't blame himself for having wanted to have sex with them. He hadn't lusted for it, or desired it, before. He hadn't longed for it when he strived to keep Sumi and Taka's company, and at least _that_ he could make himself see. But what did that matter, when he did end up doing it regardless? Despite his fear of something unknown, he did get overwhelmed, and he truthfully enjoyed it, even when it was scary, even when it hurt. Because, after all, it really did feel good. But in reality, all of it had been bad, all of it had been to weaken him, all of it had been _his_ fault and so now none of those feelings could be joyful or pleasant. They were etched into his skin, literally, forever, and he could never forget them, the shameful statements that he had been a stupid idiot, that he had failed, that it was his fault.

Each time he wanted to think that Sumi and Taka using intimacy to try and kill him was the worst part of it, the most hurtful thing, he would realize it wasn't. Everything felt like the worst part, a bundle of painful truths that grew unbearable in their sum.

Alucard had trusted them, and they betrayed him.

There was no one who could help him see it was a tragic sum of events where guilt couldn't be gauged. He could only revolve around the truth that he saw, and it started to corrode him, started to become worse as his shame and anger began to distort his own thoughts and memories.

It became increasingly hard to sleep as Alucard would get those nostalgic memories back, of his mother and father, of Sypha and Trevor, of Sumi and Taka, all that strange happiness that now only felt like something wasted, something that turned bad because of _him_. He hadn't protected his mother. He had killed his father. He had been left behind by his friends, and he had been blind to see his new ones didn't trust him.

He was _so_ tired, to the point of his body aching to sleep on his bed and his eyes weightening and stinging from exhaustion, but anything he tried to think of to try and relax got distorted and poisoned, swarmed in his head and instead left him restless. His exhaustion and guilt instead formed scenarios that weren't even real, where his mother's words would change, where she would blame him and deem him a perverted idiot that he was, where Sypha and Trevor would be the ones to try and kill him with angry scowls of hatred in their faces, or where he'd imagine them returning only to accuse him and give voice to his guilt, or where Sumi and Taka would apologize and beg for forgiveness and viciously have their throats cut up regardless. These invented prospects bled into memories of his father dying in his childhood bedroom, of Trevor and Sypha travelling and laughing and living their lives blessfully unaware of Alucard's deeds, of Sumi and Taka's naked bloodied corpses being modestily fitted into their nightgowns and impaled on the front door, and he no longer had energy or strength to tell what had happened or what hadn't. How was he to know what was truth or not? They all seemed plausible.

"I am losing my mind," he said now, again, often, only now it was true, and it was getting worse each night.

.

the end

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**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. Disclaimer at the end but I obviously don't own anything in Castlevania.


End file.
